Hey all!
I thought I’d send an update via email and facebook, because I haven’t in a while… Hope you’re all doing so well! Well we’re 4 weeks out from the biggest event CLD has ever put on (in America). It’ll be a huge reunion for everyone CLD and a celebration of our 3rd year anniversary. We’re freaking out right now with all the planning, preparations, invites, coordinating. It’s seriously going to be THE party of the year, and the most EPIC dance party ever… (that was a little advertisement, if you were wondering, because if you’re reading this, you should definitely be coming!)
So in the last few weeks Jeremy came up with our new catch phrase, “Love Hard” it’s on our t-shirts, it’s the title of our promo video, it’s our mindset, what we want to hit home, and the challenge we’re trying to live up to everyday…
We’ve all been trying to define what “Love Hard” means to us. It’s difficult, because I often speak in lofty terms, using ambiguous words to describe ambiguous things, rarely diving into the realm of the tangible, and one time I was trying to explain to my friend James how in Uganda at CLD we’re more about relationships and loving people than programs, and projects. And, he sincerely asked me: “what exactly do you mean by loving people?” I was dumbfounded, and quickly very angry at myself for not having a good on-hand answer… I don’t necessarily think it’s important to always define things, but it’s good to be able to describe what you’re talking about. I’ve been swirling James’ question around in my brain for months and especially now that “Love Hard” is what we’re using as our slogan…
The first thing that comes to mind is the standard definition of love from the bible… ya know the passage that’s always read at weddings??
“ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
Hearing the phrase “Love Hard” reading a definition of love, and then trying to apply it to how I’m supposed to be living makes me really ashamed of myself… because of the needs I walk past every day, and how many opportunities I have to care about someone, and don’t.
I was in Colorado Springs a few weeks ago, and I was leaving my job at Red Robin and I got stopped at that stupid light for the Wal-Mart generated traffic. I looked to my left and there was a woman standing at the exit with a cardboard sign that I couldn’t read, but it was quite obviously asking for money, or food, or assistance. It was the kind of day that the sun was out and the sky was the bluest of blues, but the wind made everything freezing. I sat there in my warm car, frustrated at the red light, staring at her curly, tangled hair whipping in the wind and the way she held her head ashamed. Every car passed by and avoided meeting her eyes. At the peak of my harsh judgment toward the drivers’ lack of concern, she looked over her shoulder -- at me. Her brown eyes pierced straight through to my selfishness, my arrogance, and my own lack of concern, because I too looked away… just like everyone else. I rationalized every excuse of why I shouldn’t go talk to her, why I didn’t have time to get her a cup of coffee, why I couldn’t take her to lunch at Red Robin and hear her story. I knew the right thing to do, and I did the opposite. My light turned green, I kept driving, the moment passed, and I turned my music louder to block out my screaming conscience.
I think about her every day. I think about what a terrible example I am of what it means to love, and especially what it means to Love Hard. And the thing about that is: Loving Hard, means loving when it’s hard… and the thing about that is: it’s always hard…
It would have been uncomfortable to pull over, and walk in the freezing wind over to that woman, and ask her if she wanted to grab lunch, to let her know that she didn’t deserve to be ignored. But it was personal. There was a chance for rejection. There was a chance I would get screwed over. There was a chance that other people would think I was crazy. There was a chance that I’d listen to her story and figure out why she was in that situation and I wouldn’t be able to do anything to help her... or worse, that I could do something to help her, and then have to make the decision if I was going to, or not.
Well, one of the things we worked on this last week was getting all of our Recheal pictures and footage together, and interviewing everyone that could make it to Steamboat about her life, our favorite memories, what had happened, and how she changed all of us. We’re hoping to put together a memorial piece. It was really-really difficult, because even though it’s not the best way to deal with her death, we make it through by not thinking about it, by keeping the hope alive that it was all just a bad dream. This week that bad dream was transformed back into reality, and we were forced to bring up the heart wrenching memories again, processing with each other an event that most of us want to forget, and none of us want to talk about. I sat there in front of the camera breaking down in hysterics, realizing how un-ok I still am about the whole thing. I interviewed Julie, Jeremy, and Shane. Going one-on-one with each of them and the camera. Forcing myself to ask questions that I didn’t want to hear the answers to, because it was physically painful to watch them relive each of their memories, listening to the devastation in their voices, and understanding the deep wounds this has caused in all of our lives.
The common thread between all of our interviews was that Recheal loved like we’ve never seen. She fought for her siblings, and her friends to get off the street, refusing to leave them behind. She went to the slums every chance she could to visit her Mom, who had abandoned her, to make sure she was eating, and taking ARV drugs. There was never anything she was given that she didn’t take back to the kid’s house and share with everyone she could. She never let any of us long-termers stay angry, or frustrated and she never ceased to give the best hugs we’ve ever received. And it still makes me so angry and so sad that the best example I’ve ever seen of love, was so brutally taken from this world.
The definition Jeremy chose for our slogan is: Love hard is loving like Recheal loved… Recheal didn’t spend her time worried about schedules, programs, or to-do lists… she spent her life giving everything she could of herself, sharing, hugging, laughing, listening, and empathizing. Recheal wouldn’t have let me drive by that woman at the intersection.
My first few weeks in Uganda back in January 2007, a very sharp reality stabbed me in my gut, and I’m still working on getting over it. Because it was the first time I understood that I couldn’t save everyone, that I couldn’t be everywhere, that there wasn’t much I could tangibly do to help others. Since then, I’ve used it as an excuse to ignore the people, and situations that are blatantly thrown in my path.
I feel guilty for not stopping to acknowledge that woman, for forgetting the example Recheal set. I feel guilty about the countless times I’ve walked by hurting people, and said nothing. But guilt is a worthless feeling unless it inspires change… so I’m changing, slowly but surely… I’m learning to be aware of the needs I walk by every day, starting to take the time to care about someone else more than myself, giving more hugs, and realizing the right thing to do and actually doing it…
We don’t have much time to get it down. Just the other night there was a young guy, Stephen, that died here in Steamboat and it’s been really painful to see the community I have become a part of up here, mourn for a son, a brother, and a friend, and even though I didn’t get a chance to know him… my heart goes out to everyone that loved him so much… There’s just been too many friends and family that have died this year alone that have sobered me up from the invincibility I thought I possessed. Every time I blink, years pass by, and life is too short, and too trivial to do anything, but -- Love Hard. It’s the examples like Recheal that make life beautiful, that make this whole thing worth it…
Trying to live it,
Nicole
