Preface

Ladies and Gentlemen I am kind of proud to present to you my 4-year back and forth journey to Africa and some of the places in-between. I have compiled my emails, facebook notes, and select journals in chronological order for referencing, and back-up purposes and so those that are interested can follow my journey from beginning to the end-for-now. Re-reading much of what I wrote especially when I was 19 makes me cringe, and shiver at the way I thought, what I believed, and how I presented myself. (I am also quite aware that the cringes and shivers will never stop happening, no matter how old and incredibly wise I turn out to be.) However, I’ve decided to leave the bulk of my writings untouched as a testimony to the changes in my life. Now the posts not only document my trip, but my passage through romanticism and faith, cynicism and reality: ultimately emerging as someone altogether different.

February 16, 2009: Shades of Grey

Hey all,

I’ve decided that I really want to keep writing updates even state-side, mostly to keep myself writing, but to keep those of you updated who have specifically asked… this list is very small, and I’m very ok with that… it’s probably not going to be as exciting as my Africa adventures, but here’s a little glimpse into my life right now! Thanks for wanting to be on this list (let me know if you think I should add someone!)

As I sit here and write, it’s almost foreign… I haven’t had time to actually sit and write for myself since I first came back in November, but it feels therapeutic and it may not be my best, but I’m glad that I’m doing it… so bear with me.

I’ve totally decided, as some of you may know, that when I finally lock myself away to write my personal masterpiece, it’ll be about the road. I’ve done a lot of driving in the years that I’ve been able: 5 cross country road trips, 4 of them by myself… I’ve been driving a ton especially since I’ve been back from Africa… From New Hampshire to Michigan to Missouri to Texas to Colorado and everywhere in between… and now I’ve been commuting back and forth between Colorado Springs and Steamboat Springs every few weeks, and it’s quickly becoming one of my favorite drives.

The last drive I took on Tuesday was particularly stunning. I felt like I was outrunning the perfect storm… the gray swirling clouds hung low to I70 and quick snow falls flurried across the highway, it was more of the same as I made my way north on route 9… and I thought I was definitely going to get caught in the pending storm on the pass. I hit the hills that lead to my favorite part of 40 west, the curves of the road taking me through the giants and as I looked through the peaks to the valley I was headed toward, the sky exploded into vibrant layers of pinks, oranges, and blues… colors I hadn’t seen all day. The clouds looked like they were born on the mountain tops and wisped off of them like playful horsetails in the sky, but the most interesting part about this explosion was that where I was, I was still encompassed in the gray. The warm light and dancing clouds wouldn’t be my present until I went over the pass… the only thing I knew, was that I was headed towards it, I knew if I kept driving that’s where I would end up…

I can’t help but feel like that’s where I am in life right now, caught somewhere on route 9, alone, between homes, between friends, between childhood and adulthood, encompassed in the grey… hoping that I won’t get caught in a storm, hoping that the sun won’t set before I hit the beauty. I feel like it’s a season, one that I want to hurry up and get out of, but a season to make it through none-the-less… I feel like a lot of life is lived in the gray, in between black and white, and lacking a whole lot of color. I go through these feelings often in times of instability…. When I’m everywhere and nowhere at the same time…

It’s a strange state to be in, because I’m loving everything I’m doing… it’s just that it’s hard and a lot of work, and the fruits of all this labor aren’t seen right away… like when I feed someone in Africa, it’s pretty immediate, but here, grant writing, and sending emails… talking to people hoping that they’ll want to get involved, or will be inspired in some way, I don’t see the change right away… sitting in 12 hour meetings (you think I’m kidding, but I’m not, haha) planning out what 2009 looks like for our organization is exhausting, and it’s crazy to think about what it actually takes to help people: all the effort, and money, and scheduling… our executive director, Shane, her favorite saying is “it’s fricken hard to help people” and I’ve never realized how true that is until now…

I never realized all the work that goes into bank wires, budget and policy meetings, speaking to classes at Liberty High School, picking up mail, addressing and stuffing 2000 envelopes, texting out a website, and keeping in touch with our vast community. There are not enough hours in the day to keep up with everything, let alone keep up a social life… But I’m super thankful for my friends and other CLD staff here in Steamboat, we’re all trying to learn healthy balances and how to stay sane, and how to persevere… because I know that if we keep going, around and over these mountain passes is a valley that I’ve glimpsed, and it’s beautiful.

Thanks for being part of my sanity…
A different shade of grey,
Nicole
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