Preface

Ladies and Gentlemen I am kind of proud to present to you my 4-year back and forth journey to Africa and some of the places in-between. I have compiled my emails, facebook notes, and select journals in chronological order for referencing, and back-up purposes and so those that are interested can follow my journey from beginning to the end-for-now. Re-reading much of what I wrote especially when I was 19 makes me cringe, and shiver at the way I thought, what I believed, and how I presented myself. (I am also quite aware that the cringes and shivers will never stop happening, no matter how old and incredibly wise I turn out to be.) However, I’ve decided to leave the bulk of my writings untouched as a testimony to the changes in my life. Now the posts not only document my trip, but my passage through romanticism and faith, cynicism and reality: ultimately emerging as someone altogether different.

April 22, 2007: When Earth Day's Got You Down

I find it hard to verbalize, and express everything inside my head which I wish was resulting in some form of outlet emotion… but all it seems to do is shake around my brain making me incoherent, and pressured to the point of explosion. I haven’t written in a long time, and I’m lazy… so very lazy, and I don’t feel good about myself when I’m lazy. I need to get things done, and I just don’t for some reason. I want to write down my thoughts, the words that if I were to speak would come out vomit, because my stomach churns as I sit and wait, mull and dwell, rewind and repeat my memories, my mistakes, my hopes, my trepidations. Maybe this is what culture shock feels like, maybe this is what being a grown up feels like, maybe this is what partying too much feels like, maybe this is a glimpse of what depression feels like… when the good feelings are fewer and farther between than the bad ones, and the things that I know I can do to get better are out of my reach, and even if they were just around the corner I’m too lazy and apathetic to do anything about it. Is it my incorrect rememberings, or did days not ever feel like this in Africa? Is it because I was on a three month vacation, and now I’m back to reality? Is it because my diet’s different? Is it because I miss everything so much? Is it because I’m tired? I think it’s a season… a season of clean up…
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