Hey all,
just a heads up, and a bit of an update since I haven’t been good at keeping you posted… I leave May 2 for 5 months for my third time in Uganda, and there’s too much to do in these next two weeks to even be excited about it yet… but I know that when I get on that plane it’ll hit… with no one left to say goodbye to, and no more American to do list, I’ll be able to look forward and smile at what’s in front of me. It’s interesting how different this time feels. It reminds me of one of my favorite songs right now…
But here’s the deal… I love Coldplay… I do… I’ve come out of the musical closet and I admit it, it’s not that I mean them any disrespect, it’s just hard to say out loud sometimes because I don’t like admitting that I am so moved by a band that so many other people like too… is that immature? I don’t know… Well, the song is off their “viva la vida” album called “lost!” I love the heavy beat in the beginning, and the clever opening phrase, but the lyrical line that repeats itself throughout the song, and that I enjoy most is “I’m just waiting til the shine wears off.”
I was with my friend Mark the other night listening to it and I, all too honestly, exclaimed how that line in particular is how I feel about life right now… and shocked he looked at me and said “what!? That’s depressing.” I didn’t have a good response, or explanation so I just said, “Yep!” But now I think I’ve got it. I’m not sure if it’s cynicism, or realism or if there’s a difference… but what I’ve had a hard time dealing with these last few months, and I’m clearly not saying anything new, is the constant realization that the grass is greener on the other side… and that the shine will always wear off… always.
I’ve been involved with Come, Let’s Dance since January 2007, and I never knew that doing what you love had downsides too… That even when you’re doing everything and more than you ever thought you could things still start to feel normal and tedious, instead of exciting and meaningful. Burn out issues still apply, and there are times I want to quit… And it is a depressing realization to come to, that when you chase after stars they become less bright…
It’s like discovering that clouds aren’t made of cotton and you can’t play in them, that plastic grocery bags don’t make good parachutes, that I’m not as invincible as I once thought, that home isn’t a real place anymore…
I think about everything I could have in place of this crazy life and sometimes it seems more appetizing (especially compared to months of rice and beans). I think about the friendships, the food, the jobs, the education, the relationships, the normality that I’ve chosen to give up. I think about how hard it is to say goodbyes over and over again to the people I care about, to not be involved in my scattered family’s lives, to not be a reliable friend to anyone unless they’re with me.
But then wake up calls happen, reminders scream their way into my brain, like when I read things from our web designer, an incredible guy that didn’t want any compensation, but just to go live with our community in Uganda and design things for us… I read what he writes (http://ricardoinafrica.blogspot.com/)… and I can’t wait to go back. I can’t wait to be a part of something that is changing lives even if it brings me stress and inconsistency. I can’t wait to hold ritah in my arms again… take a two minute cold shower twice a week… complain about our hill… hug “james the man” everyday… work until I’m too tired to stand. I can’t wait to cry at every heartache and laugh uncontrollably about things that later I’ll say “I guess you had to be there.”
And no, Africa isn’t as shiny, and won’t ever be as shiny as it once was. It’s not romantic, or ideal, or easy, but it’s a hell of a lot more intimate, and real, than it ever was when I thought it shined.
I guess I just keep figuring out that life isn’t always what I thought it’d be… I think everyone gets to that point, but I, in particular, have an appetite for repetition. Things usually don’t hit me until after the first million times they happen… but the key that works for me… is to love it anyway… it’s hard, and sometimes it just sucks, and this world is so dark, but I find joy in searching as long as it takes for the beautiful things. Our kids are beautiful, doing something you believe in is beautiful, Uganda is beautiful, Hope is beautiful. And it far outweighs anything else I ever dream about.
So here we go again… Many of you have been on this journey with me since 2007, and I am so thankful for your continued support and loving me through all the ups and downs of this crazy ride. The next time you get one of these it’ll be the kick off of the next slew of Africa stories. I hope this email finds you well, and I’m excited to keep in touch with you all while I’m gone!
Nicole
